CATEGORY 122 AUSTRALASIAN DENTIST REALITY BITES Jade Richardson The Acci~dental Tourist Short notes on an Unhappy Ending at the Thailand Cutie Paradise Dental Clinic By Jade Richardson Fragrant breezes of coconut palm, warm salty waters and slightly stressed out sewers pirouette together down the main street of this funky Thai island wonderland, like delinquent fairy sisters. Honey scent of sweaty mango, muscly espresso, thigh-slapping chili noodles and sly, intoxicating basils weave through a backdrop of burnt rubber, hot diesel and simmering poop as the tropical heat thrashes off hot concrete surfaces and fancy glass windows where once were cooling forests. Hootchy curls of marijuana shimmy out of fancy cafes and upmarket wine bars too, because Thailand has recently legalized pot-smoking, and just about everything else involving cannabis, resulting in a surprising amount of entrepreneurial zeal. Marijuana, suddenly shifted from lowlife, backstreet loser drug addict status, to magical, evidence-based, all healing lifeenriching medical super cure of all things in Thailand, is available in fancy packets and fancy shops, promising relief from everything from toothache to gout, arthritis, depression, boredom, vitamin deficiency and cancer. You can smoke it in the oldfashioned cigarette-style, known as blunts, or you can buy it as gourmet truffles, vegan brownies, chewy bears, classy tinctures, spritzy mixers, posh butters, fortified water and lip balms. In the old days (about four years ago) we used to shop here for tie-dyed sarongs, luke-warm fresh-cut coconuts, $4 padThai, and anti-fungal ointments. Eric, who made his way here as a Sound Sorcerer, playing his flutes, guitars and crystal bowls in long gowns and short shorts at meditations and healing festivals after an extremely lucrative career in the Hollywood advertising industry, is shopping for higrade anti-aging supplements and a flight to LA. He says, after doing Covid here he’s overdosed on tropical island paradise vibes and in desperate need of something practical. I, who did Covid bravely and unprettily inWesternAustralia for two and a half years, am certainly not going anywhere near the so-called First World for at least another two and a half years, if ever. I brought my own supplements. I am here to recover. Recovery has included stays in luxurious hotels, floating about in neonblue pools staring at clouds turning into elephants, teddy bears, dragons and Batman paraphernalia until it’s time to relocate to the spa. After months of this, I re-oriented to muscle-building, ice-baths, and a total make-over of my done Covid in West Australia self. I joined a gym and got a Ukrainian kick boxer as a trainer. This caused new insight to male psychology, and a rather massive amount of time surrounded by mirrors. Mirrors, which are a surprisingly deep passion for men of the workout variety, reflected everywhere more glowing bicep, glittery six-packs, and lovingly sculpted pecs than is probably healthy for a middleaged woman to be exposed to. Amongst all this beauty, I saw myself. And I realized with fluorescent clarity that I was in more urgent need than I thought of renovations. Squeezing a butterfly out of a caterpillar is slow, juicy work. But there are some immediate fixes that can provide jubilant leaps in one’s metamorphosis – which is probably why I started googling Teeth Whitening Thailand. As it turned out, there was a little dental clinic, tucked away on the aforementioned streets of downtown Funky Island, and while options at flashy clinics and hospitals in Bangkok, Singapore and Ko Samui were tempting, I was enchanted by Thailand Cutie Paradise Dental’s logo of a cheerful cartoon molar surfing down a palm tree and booked myself in for the promised instant brightening procedure. What could go wrong? The clinic, with its wonky doormat, cluttered reception, and broken clock, demanded that Appointments can Only Be Made Online. Which is increasingly normal in the developing world, where there might be a dangerous scatter of flipflops on every doorstep, there is a grand underlying passion for the brutal powers of efficiency. I was sent away to book via the App. I booked via the App, which irritated me no end. I included all my questions in the message – I’d like tooth whitening. I have veneers. Is that a problem? When can I come in? How long does it take? What is the cost? And are there any preparations or risks? I received an appointment for two weeks’ time. The price was the equivalent of $250. I wondered about my questions. But the cartoonmolar on the cartoon palm tree that signified the warm, cozy competence of the
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